Your interpersonal interactions can be a source of considerable joy, or contrasting with this, a source of considerable stress in your life. Your levels of assertiveness play an important part in how you conquer those difficulties...

Do you want to become more assertive and stop choosing the seemingly easier passive collapse or hostile blow-up? Develop a win-win mentality! Find out where you stand on the assertiveness spectrum and where you want to be. Step out of the shadows rather than overpowering the meek or being stepped on.

Mastering assertiveness can't be accomplished overnight, but some people improve considerably in just a few weeks of practice with family, friends and colleagues! 

What is assertiveness?

• Definition: To assert oneself means to insists on one's rights. Based on principles of equality, assertive behaviour is aimed at protecting legitimate personal rights and taking care of one's responsibilities and needs, while the legitimate rights of others are not violated.
  • Abilities: Assertiveness is the ability to do, say, think and feel what you want and have the freedom to be yourself under all circumstances.
  • Authentic: Assertiveness is the courage to drop the mask and show the world our true selves, our shortcomings, what we think, feel, need, like and dislike.
  • Respect: Assertiveness is asserting one's rights while respecting the feelings and rights of others.
  • Communication: Assertiveness is the ability to communicate one's feelings and needs clearly, honestly, directly and openly - saying what you mean and meaning what you say.
  • Freedom of expression: Being assertive, one upholds one's personal thoughts, ideas, feelings and needs, not allowing others to limit one's rights to speak or act. 
  • Attitudes: Assertiveness means being self-assured, self-aware, willing to speak up, assuming the best about others, respecting oneself and finding suitable win-win compromises and taking a positive spin on life.
  • Balanced perspective: When you are assertive, you put your life into perspective and find a healthy balance between work and play.
  • Constricted: Being assertive implies that you constrict your words and actions to clearly express what you want it to mean, and nothing less.
  • Message: Being assertive conveys to others the message that you are important, and you know what you want.
  • Empowered: An assertive manner certainly means that we'll feel more empowered, and more in control of circumstances.
  • Underlying issues: By becoming more assertive, one becomes able to tackle the many issues underlying emotional problems.
  • Skill: Though assertiveness comes naturally to some, is not a personality trait - it is an invaluable life skill that can be learned. For some it may be very difficult. Some can assert themselves in one situation, whilst being totally ineffectual in others. Learn to make decisions and take actions based on self-interest.
• Uniqueness: Hereditary, historical and current influences shaped you into a unique human being, and therefore nobody can be a better advocate and judge of your thoughts, feelings, wants and behaviour to negotiate with others.
• Benefits:
  • Respect: There is increased self-respect as well as respect from others.
  • Conflicts: Fewer conflicts in interpersonal dealings and therefore much less stress.
  • Spontaneity: You can talk spontaneously about your likes and interests without being self-conscious.
  • Compliments: You can accept compliments gracefully.
  • Disagreements: You can disagree with someone openly and agreeably.
  • Ask questions: You can comfortably ask for clarification.
  • Saying no: You can say no to unreasonable demands and mean it.
  • Relationships: You will have stronger, more supportive, more meaningful relationships.
  • Emotional problems: Assertiveness is vital in dealing positively with anger and anxiety brought about by unfair circumstances.
  • Productivity: Communicating assertively can lead to increased productivity and greater performances at work and at home.
  • Achievements: Achieving more of your goals, without making others mad.
  • Opportunities: Assertiveness has the potential to open more doors than any other set of personal skills.
  • Job satisfaction: You lay claim to a working situation in which you can make the most of your potential.
  • Self-confidence: Assertiveness enhances self-confidence, promoting healthy coping behaviours, feeling good, in control, willing to take risks and responding well to difficult situations.
  • Gain respect: You gain respect and genuine liking by treating colleagues positively and fairly and they will also feel good about themselves and their abilities.
  • Forgiveness: In expressing ourselves appropriately, we needn't hold grudges, or store pent-up emotions.
  • Health: Our emotional, physical, mental and spiritual health improves and we experience an overall sense of well-being.
  • Self-care: You are able to take care of yourself and make time for yourself.
  • Reducing stress: You will reduce the major sources of worry and stress by standing up for your rights and taking care of your responsibilities and needs and helping others get their needs met too.
  • Relaxation: You lay claim to your right to relax and to a less stressful and comfortable environment.
  • Relaxed environment: By being assertive you create around you happier conditions in which problems can be discussed openly, criticism viewed constructively, negative emotions dealt with healthily, and conflict handled effectively.
  • Survival: Being assertive helps you survive in the struggle of establishing yourself, dealing with hierarchical systems, arrogant and stubborn attitudes, unspoken conflicts or people who do their best to undermine your efforts.
• 3 types of assertion:
  • Passive: By being passive, you rarely experience direct rejection, but the disadvantage is that you are taken advantage of. You let others push you around, and you do what you are told, no matter how you feel about it. You avoid confrontation by not expressing your needs and feelings, but this behaviour damages relationships. You may feel like a victim, withdrawing even more, storing up a heavy burden of resentment and anger. When you at long last decide to say something, you virtually explode into aggression. Sometimes the other party may not even be aware that there was any problem! This leads to distrust, hard feelings, weaker relationships, and increased passivity.
  • Aggressive: Aggressive people do not get pushed around, but the disadvantage is that they alienate others because they tend to employ tactics that are disrespectful, manipulative, demeaning or abusive. They typically create unnecessary conflict, stress, fighting, accusing, threatening, retaliation, attack, blame, stepping on others, and have no regard for the feelings of others. They leave behind many failed relationships, have little social support, make negative assumptions about the motives of others, and they don't think of the other person's point of view at all. They win at the expense of others. Ironically, they often think they are the victims and don't see how their circumstances this is related to their own behaviour.
  • Assertive: Assertive behaviour is acting in your own best interest, expressing your true feelings and don't let others take advantage of you, without feeling guilty about it, whilst simultaneously being considerate of the feelings of others. Assertiveness must not be confused with aggressive behaviour - being assertive is being respectful to others, whilst being aggressive causes pain and stress in others. Passive and aggressive styles create more pain and stress than what they prevent and are sadly inadequate escape strategies.
  • Example 1: If someone jumps the queue: An aggressive person will assume it was done on purpose and will say something angry. A passive person will just let the person stay in front of them. An assertive person will assume that they may not have seen you in the queue, and will say politely, “Excuse me, but I was in the queue.”
  • Example 2: If someone is telling a long story and the other person doesn't have time to listen: An aggressive person will become angry that their time isn't being respected, cut the person off, and sarcastically say, “Oh, get over it! I have my own problems!” A passive person will listen for as long as it takes, and figure that their deadline can suffer; the other person needs help. An assertive person will listen for a minute or two, then compassionately say, “I'd love to listen to you, but I don't have the time right now. Can we talk during lunch-time?

Why are we not assertive?

The following assumptions, beliefs and expectations often prevents us from being assertive:

• Uncomfortable: We avoid being assertive, because it makes us feel very uncomfortable, shy or as if we are stepping out of line.
• Inequality: In the deepest sense, we reject the idea that we are created as equals and have the right to treat each other as equals.
• Your needs: We believe that it is selfish to put your needs before the needs of others.
• Making mistakes: We believe that it is shameful to make mistakes and that we should have an appropriate response for every occasion.
• Traditional: We learned as children that our perceptions, opinions, feelings and wants are less important or correct than those of others.
• Conflict: If we can't convince others that our needs and feelings are reasonable, then we believe that our needs and feelings must be unreasonable.
• Authority: Believing that we should not question the views of authorities, that we should keep our differences of opinion to ourselves.
• Living for others: We live our lives to meet the expectations of those around us and put everyone else's needs before our own - taking care of everyone but ourselves.
• Perfectionist: We are perfectionist and when we are unable to measure up to impossible standards, we feel like a failure.
• Victim: We feel that others are always taking advantage of us and have a negative view on life.
• Happiness: We don't think for one minute that we have any right to be happy.
• Negativity: We don't believe that we would ever improve and we are losing our self-confidence.
• Logic and consistent: We should always try to be logical and consistent.
• Flexible and adjust: We should be flexible and adjust. Others have good reasons for their actions and it's not polite to question them.
• Accommodating: We should always accommodate others, because if we don't, they won't be there when we need them.
• Social: Don't be anti-social. People are going to think you don't like them if you say you'd rather be alone instead of with them.
• Interruptions: We should never interrupt people.
• Asking questions: Asking questions reveals our stupidity to others
• Don't stir: We believe that things could get even worse, so we don't want to rock the boat.
• Valuable time: We shouldn't take up others' valuable time with our problems.
• Not important: People don't want to hear that we feel bad, so we have to keep it to ourselves.
• Advice: When someone takes the time to give us advice, we should take it very seriously and follow their advice.
• Shyness: When we are shy, we believe that there is something wrong with us, or that we are not good enough
• Attention: We find it hard to be assertive when its hard to be the centre of attention and the focus of a conversation
• Be modest: We believe that successful people are secretly disliked and envied and that we have to be modest when complimented.
• Pushy: We want to push others into behaving in ways that suit us.
• Fear: We may be so afraid of conflict or disapproval that we feel it isn't safe to speak honestly.
• Misconception: Some people think that assertiveness training turns nice people into irascible complainers or calculating manipulators.
• Giving in to demands: We may form a habit of continually giving in to the demands of others on our time.
• Fear of rejection: We are terrified that others might not like us, the only need we have is to please others.
• Uninformed: We don't have any understanding of what it means to be assertive. We may think that it means to be aggressive and selfish.
• Passiveness: We became an expert at being passive, hiding away from conflict and brooding on our negative feelings.
• Helpless: We feel helpless to deal with the pressures and stresses of life.
• Addictions: We use someone or something to block out everything that we are not dealing with.
• Self-doubt: We grew up doubting ourselves and looking to others for validation and guidance.
• Can't find grounds: It is hard to be assertive when we can't find grounds for objecting to exploitation, mistreatment or do not believe that we have a right to our feelings, beliefs and opinions.
• Bad body language: When speaking assertively, our body language may undercut or interfere with our words when it sends incongruent messages.
• Bad speech: Mumbling, whispering, or sounding as if we are asking a question when we are not, whining or using an apologetic tone of voice.
• Good books: We believe that we always have to stay in people's good books, in spite of ourselves.

Techniques

• Identify interpersonal style: The first step in becoming more assertive is to take an honest look at your passive and aggressive responses, thinking patterns and behaviours to see where you currently stand. If you answer yes to most of the following questions, you will need to learn how to assert yourself better:
  • Do you have difficulty accepting constructive criticism?
  • Do you find yourself saying yes to requests when you should really say no, to avoid disappointing others?
  • Do you have trouble voicing differences of opinion with others?
  • Do people tend to feel alienated by your communication style when you disagree with them?
  • Do you feel attacked when someone has an opinion different from your own?
• Forgive yourself: Recognise that you didn't have much of a choice about which traditional assumptions you were taught as a child.
• Recognise assumptions: You have the option to continue behaving according to assumptions that keep you from being an assertive adult. Each of these mistaken assumptions violates one of your legitimate rights as an adult:
• Focus: No matter who you are talking to, you can be more assertive by focussing on you want to say, cut to the chase instead of beating around the bush. Express your views and concerns clearly, concisely and truthfully focussing on the topic.
• Equality: Recognise that your rights, needs, feelings, and ideas deserve the same respect as everyone else's.
• Your rights: It is your responsibility to recognise and protect your rights, and it is not someone else's responsibility - no-one will do it for you.
• Your needs: Identify your needs and ask for them to be met Having needs met does not mean you're selfish. Having needs met is essential to wellbeing. This is different from wants. It is your responsibility to ensure that your needs are met. Acknowledge and respect the equal rights and needs of others Listen to what others have to say. Use empathy to let others know you've heard them and you appreciate their position. Use awareness of other people's rights and needs to ensure you treat them fairly.
• Who's responsible: Stop doing other people's work. No-one has the right to insist that you do something which is their responsibility, or which falls outside the responsibility of your job or outside regular working hours. You have the right to say NO!
• Guilt: As long as you behaved fairly and responsibly, accept that you can not be responsible for protecting other people's thoughts, feelings and unhealthy reactions - it is their responsibility. Do not neglect your needs in order to keep others happy and you have no obligation to feel guilty!
• Negative feelings: Disclose both negative and positive thoughts and feelings healthily and openly to help others understand and appreciate your needs.
• Awkward people: Confront awkward people as naturally as assertively as you would confront any other person.
• Body language: Look people in the eyes, shake hands firmly, have an excellent posture, speak clearly and audible. Move and gesture in a relaxed way and practise self-confident facial expressions in front of a mirror. Pay attention to your tone of voice to ensure that you convey assertiveness.
• Criticism: Be willing to give and receive criticism
• Saying NO: Use your initial gut response to judge whether you wish to do something or not.
  • Buy time: If you're not sure what you want to do, buy time and decide later.
  • Your choice: Go with what is right for you. You have the right to say NO, so practise to say NO - you are rejecting the request not the person.
  • Other plans: If that last-minute assignment will ruin your other plans, just say no and mean it. 
  • Resentment: Saying YES when you mean NO will leave others feeling bad when they inevitably detect that you're feeling resentful.
  • Communicate: Own up to your feelings, share them with the other person, and let them go.
  • Alternatives: Coming up with an alternative plan may leave both parties feeling good.
• Learn and accept your legitimate rights:
  • Treatment: It is your right to be treated with respect and to not be taken for granted.
  • Your needs: It is your right to have your needs met
  • Experience: You have the right to make mistakes.
  • Respect: It is your right to have your rights respected
  • Choices: You have the right to choose whether to put yourself or other's first.
  • Judgement: You have the right to use your own judgement about whether to accept your feelings as legitimate.
  • Justifying actions: You have a right to not having to justify yourself to others.
  • Own mind: It is your right to have your own opinions and convictions.
  • Changing your mind: You have the right to change your mind or decide on a different course of action.
  • Protesting: It's your right to protect yourself, and protest when treatment or criticism seems unfair.
  • Interrupting: You have a right to interrupt in order to ask for clarification.
  • Negotiating: It is your right to negotiate for change.
  • Help and support: You have the right to ask for help or emotional support.
  • Feeling and expression: You have the right to feel and express pain.
  • Ignoring advice: It is your right to decide whether you want to ignore the advice of others.
  • Recognition: You have a right to receive formal recognition for your work and achievements.
  • Saying no: You have the right to say "no."
  • Being alone: You have a right to be alone, even if others would prefer your company.
  • Responsibility: It is your right to not take responsibility for someone else's problem.
  • Anticipation: It is your right to not having to anticipate others' needs and wishes.
  • Goodwill: It is your right to not always worry about the goodwill of others.
  • Responding: You have a right to choose not to respond to a situation.
• Job Stress Action Plan: Take some time to face all the facts:
  • Ambiguity: Ambiguity about what is expected of you is one of the primary sources of job stress.
  • Find clarity: A clear, straightforward discussion may significantly reduce your job stress.
  • Meeting: Its time to plan a meeting with your boss to get enough information so you no longer have to mind-read his or her reactions.
  • Challenge: If your boss is indirect, irascible, or highly demanding, you'll have to look beneath the surface to understand what motivates him or her. You can often use your knowledge of what motivates your boss to your advantage.
    • Does your direct boss have a difficult boss?
    • Does your boss have an unhappy home life?
    • Does your boss lack management skills?
    • Is your boss buried under a heavy workload?
    • Does your boss also find you impossible?
    • Is your boss just passing time until he retires?
    • Does your boss view new ideas as unnecessary or threatening?
    • Is your boss the silent type who never lets you know what he expects?
    • Is your boss a slave driver who was raised to expect perfection of himself and others?
    • Does your boss need to be liked, and always saying nice things, but failing to be constructive?
    • Or could there be something else?
  • Self-esteem: If your boss insists on always being right and criticizes any idea that is not his own, he may be suffering from low self-esteem and secretly crave recognition and approval. You can satisfy some of his need for recognition by praising his successes
  • Discussion: You can have a candid talk with him about how his put-downs make you feel and how you need positive feedback as well as constructive criticism.
  • Delegation: If your boss is a perfectionist slave driver, it would take some of the pressure off of him if certain decision-making responsibilities were shifted to a committee or delegated down.
  • Feedback: A relatively low risk way to give your slave-driver boss feedback is in the form of a questionnaire filled out by all his employees.
  • Clarify expectations: If your boss is the silent type, you may need to confront him regarding his expectations of you in the job.
  • Strategies: Through trial and error, you can develop strategies for effectively influencing your boss.
  • Common ground: Look for common ground upon which to build your relationship. Maybe soon you will decide to support your boss on points that are important to him. Changing your boss is unlikely; changing yourself is the easiest way to improve your relationship with him.
  • Confrontation: It may be a good idea to confront your boss on the points that are vital to you, only when he is in a good mood.
  •  
    • What is expected of me in my position?
    • Where is this organization going and how do I fit into the plan in the near and long-term future?
    • How am I doing? What are my strengths? What areas do I need to improve?
    • What additional skills or education do I need to progress?
    • What happens if something goes wrong? What can I expect from you if a problem develops?
    • If I continue my current level of performance, what can I expect?
    • Practise describing what is difficult about your boss's behaviour.
    • Describe what you think motivates his behaviour
    • Describe how you might use your understanding of what motivates him to anticipate his next move and deal with him more effectively
  • Handling conflict: In any disagreement, you need to present your position and negotiate a mutually acceptable compromise.
    • State the problem - what you perceive to be the cause of your stress.
    • State how it makes you feel.
    • State how it affects your productivity and motivation.
    • State win-win - both sides of the conflict get something positive from your solution.
  • Example:
    • Worker worked overtime without compensation for the time spent developing new products. Worker to employer: "Ever since I realized I wouldn't receive money for the work, my enthusiasm for my work has deteriorated. I think my work has been tremendously valuable to the company. No my productivity is lower as a result of my lost motivation. It's important to me to continue creating the work overflow, and to be compensated in some way. I would be satisfied if the hours I work overtime, will be compensated."
• Assertiveness ladder: The assertiveness ladder is a process for using an assertive communication style in a specific situation to help decrease stress . Use the letters of the word "LADDER" to recall the steps.
  • L Look at your rights, what you want, and what you need. Define what you want and keep it in mind when you negotiate for change.
  • A Arrange a time and place to discuss the situation. You might skip this step in unplanned situations in which you choose to be assertive, such as when you receive the wrong food at a restaurant.
  • D Define the problem for the other person, specifically and in easy-to-understand language. Try not to assume anything about what others already know about the problem.
  • D Describe your feelings using "I" messages. An "I" message expresses your feelings without blaming others. Say "I am feeling frustrated," rather than "You frustrate me."
  • E Express your request specifically. Be brief and firm. Instead of asking your husband to be "more considerate," ask him to call if he'll be more than 15 minutes late.
  • R Reinforce the idea of getting what you want by showing the other person that your request might be good for both of you.
  • To apply this process:
    • Write out a script, with one or a few statements for each step in the process.
    • Practice the script by yourself and become comfortable with it. For some people, these statements will be easier to write than to say aloud. You will do better in the real situation if you have heard yourself make these statements before.
    • Apply the process in the real situation. Don't worry about the details of your script—just keep the principles in mind as you discuss the situation with others.
• Use a stock phrase technique when confronting others:
  • Choose a stock phrase which concisely encapsulates what the problem is and what you want to change or to happen. Use this to explain to the other person what you wish to achieve. Listen to the other person, consider their rights and needs. If your desired outcome remains unchanged, repeat the stock phrase until your key points have been heard and acknowledged. Empathise with the other person but keep to your agenda - for example, say: "I appreciate your point about (repeat stock phrase)." Disclose feelings and state your rights to strengthen your case. Feedback honest positive feelings to the other person - for example, say: "I really value your opinion but (repeat stock phrase)." Persevere until you reach an outcome or compromise satisfactory to both parties.

 Theory

• Johari window:
• Egogram:
• Transactional analysis: - model for influencing others, through parent, adult and child ego states
• Life positions:

 Resources:

• The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Handbook by Davis, Eshelman and McKay, 1988
• The Benefits of Assertive Communication
• How to Be More Assertive
• How to Be a Good Listener
• Healthy Communication Techniques
• 10 Worst Ways to Handle Conflict